I think I’d forgotten her

Whilst watching a random tv program I hear a woman pronounce the number six just like my grandmother Dimakatso used to. At first I smile and all of a sudden I cringe in horror because I couldn’t remember when last I had thought of her.Could it be so that I had forgotten my beloved Mme (mother) as I called her ,as all her grandchildren did. My mind flooded with memories so sweet and wholesome of time when I was but a child with no knowledge of a world occupied by strife.

I became overcome with emotions indescribable and held back tears of shame because I could not remember when last I remembered her. I went back to sad moment when I learnt of Mme’s passing for the most part I did not believe it until I arrived in Kroonstad and couldn’t bring myself to tell the taxi driver to stop because I had reached my destination. To my dismay the taxi driver recognised me and said “You are home young one,all will be well”. The discomfort of realising he knew mme had left us, attempted to remind me and imprint this fact in my head that was no were near accepting this truth caused me to jump out quickly not even acknowledging the condolences he was subtly passing my way. I toughened up and walked in to her house which amidst the distraction of therE being many family members around served me well at the time.

Then I was asked to run an errand to my grandmothers friend Mme Mamaloka and ask which hymns were to be sung at the funeral. This was too much for my poor soul to bear and by the time I arrived where I was sent which was about ten houses away from Mme’s house. I was a thorough mess of tears,snot and pain so much pain I couldn’t even speak it simply hurt too much. My mind was in shock and all I could do was grab the nearest seat in this families kitchen and sob uncontrollably. That was the first moment I truly entertained that she was indeed gone.

Nine years after the fact to realise that my thoughts no longer as often drift in her direction I am sore. Sore to acknowledge that I actually may have forgotten about my beloved Mme whose feisty personality made her a force to be reckoned with.Lessons learnt from her grow profound as we grow older. I want to always remember her and keep her close to my heart and life. I miss her still and wish she were around because she was the family matriarch that held us together. Always the voice of truth and in many ways shaped the person I am and aspire to be still.

They say time heals all wounds but don’t belive this as I couldn’t even write this post with out crying but I never want to heal from this if it means forgetting.I am aware now my mind keeps her far away to protect me because every time I think of her it’s almost as though I lose her all over again. I don’t know how to heal from this loss perhaps I never will but from now on I will write down my memories of her and this way I wont ever forget her.

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